Starting off,

The "IT" i refer to is this complex, overwhelming, depressing, confusing, frustrating, hurting, numbing emotions i struggle to face each and every single day. It 's an emotion no words can describe, but if i were to list its side effects, it would be those. It's an emotion that comes from a Christian heart.. that comes from THIS Christian heart.. it's an emotion i feel i was born with and was never ready to face it until i was mature enough. But this emotion, it hurts so much, i can't contain the pain.. the agony it leaves me in and i just burst out in cries but yet that doesn't satisfy this need, this emotion that needs to be set free, be gone from me. I'm scared and my heart pounds so fast so loud. I don't know what's going to come next, but i hope it's silence. Silence so we can all figure out what's really hurting us inside.Silence so that we can all be the better person to forgive the other in our hearts; silence so that for once, i don't have to cry myself to sleep. I'm so confused because all my life i was born a leader, a mentor, a comforter yet my heart, mind, spirit, drifts away from God. GOD. ALMIGHTY POWERFUL CREATOR OF ALL THINGS GOD. He's too big for me to comprehend, but yet i desperately ache for Him. I feel like my life has been wasted when i could've done bigger, greater, miraculous deeds by the power of God. It hurts to see that i have wasted 17 years of my life. I want to change,i desperately do but .. no, there shouldn't be any but because if i desperately wanted too GOD would see that too, and He wouldn't let anything in my way. But, there are things that i as a human being must sacrifice in order for GOD to reach me and let me taste that joy of salvation one more time .. and i wonder ..